


Hide and Seek

by ElectricBlueGirl



Series: Love In Isolation [3]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, No Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:20:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25147615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElectricBlueGirl/pseuds/ElectricBlueGirl
Summary: A companion piece to Love In Isolation.When Callum escapes to his flat during lockdown, he finds himself reflecting on the past five weeks and the feelings he has for Ben. He's been running all his life and he's starting to realise now that maybe he should have been finding himself instead.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Love In Isolation [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1814578
Comments: 12
Kudos: 52





	Hide and Seek

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone who read the first one shot posted the other day. It's lovely to have so many of you supporting these just as you did with Love In Isolation. Thank you so much! 
> 
> This is rated mature but I think that's me being over-cautious. There's no smut in this, just Callum thinking back over his time in lockdown. There's also no dialogue in this apart from the little flashbacks which I've put in italics, no real plot, and overall I'm not really sure how well it reads but I hope you enjoy it anyway and if not then I hope it at least provides some insight into Callum's thoughts. 
> 
> This one shot takes place between Chapter 12 and Chapter 13 and so contains spoilers for everything that happens up to that point. If you haven't read Love In Isolation, you should read that first! 
> 
> For anyone who needs a reminder, here's what has happened so far: Two weeks ago, Callum and Ben kissed for the first time which lead to them having sex. Afterwards, Callum insisted that they should forget about it but a week later it happened again, instigated by a play fight over a bag of marshmallows. Callum was outwardly unfazed by it but told Ben it couldn't happen again. Of course, three days later it did, and when Ben questioned Callum about what that meant for him, Callum suggested they remain casual which made Ben feel as if he was just an experiment. Ben refused to speak to him for the rest of the day and the next morning Callum disappeared off to his flat. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and stay safe :)

**Hide and Seek  
  
  
  
**

Callum had thought it was a good idea at the start. That day Ben had suggested they go into isolation together, he had jumped at the chance, excited at the thought of spending endless amounts of time with his best friend rather than holed up in his flat on his own. He hadn’t been worried about the virus at that point and had honestly thought the lockdown would last a matter of weeks and once it was over the world would go back to normal. But what he had been worried about was being alone, isolated in a very literal sense, an island of one. So of course he’d said yes when Ben invited him to stay.

As it turned out, he had been wrong. Agreeing to it had been a terrible idea and now here he is, five weeks in and no end in sight, running away just as he always has.

Closing the door behind him, Callum leans back against it, closing his eyes and letting the tension in his body release. The flat is cold from having been left empty for weeks and the curtains are drawn, blanketing the room in a gloomy darkness. After a moment of allowing himself to breathe, he steps forwards, approaching the window and opening the curtains to allow daylight in again. Turning to look across the living area, he sees that everything is exactly how he left it. It’s strange to think his whole life hadn’t turned upside down the last time he was here. He’s unsure what to do now, feeling like a stranger in his own home, too afraid to move or touch anything. He glances over to the kettle. Maybe a cup of tea will help.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When he settles down on the sofa a few minutes later, he can’t help but wonder about Ben before deciding that he is probably still asleep, unaware that Callum has gone.  
  
It won’t be for long, he tells himself. He just needs some time to sort things out in his head. Ben has been so patient with him, so kind, but he can’t wait around forever and he needs answers; answers that Callum isn’t sure how to provide. He’d tried the previous morning, telling Ben what he thought he’d want to hear, but he’d ended up insulting him instead by suggesting they keep things as they have been. Ben hadn’t wanted to be near him ever since.  
  
_“Maybe I’m not willing to be your experiment Callum.”_  
  
The words play over and over in his head now and feel painful in his chest. How did it get to this? He shakes his head, taking a sip of the black tea and grimacing. He wishes he’d thought to buy milk on the way over here. Placing the cup down onto the coffee table he sighs and puts his head in his hands, pressing them against his eyes until all he can see is darkness.  
  
His mind drifts back to that first week of lockdown. He had been so happy to be spending so much time with Ben and they had fallen into a routine quickly. It hadn’t felt at all awkward to be staying in Ben’s house having spent so much of his time there over the previous few years. Being with Ben all the time felt nice; no constraints placed on their time together because of work or prior arrangements, no one interrupting them or dragging one of them away. Ben was, and still is, his best friend. He’s always been so incredibly lucky to have him. So for the first week things had been wonderful; almost like a holiday.  
  
Only then things had changed. He’s not sure when exactly, the days all merging together, but he thinks it might have been around the time he had overheard Ben in his room. The low moans and hisses he’d heard coming from behind Ben’s closed bedroom door had left very little to the imagination over what he was doing and it had sent a shot of arousal directly to his cock. He’d hurried away before his body could get a chance to react any more.  
  
But it wasn’t to be the first time, and he found himself being turned on by the same sounds the following morning when he’d been carefully applying gel to his hair in the bathroom. He’d gripped onto the sink with shaking hands as he’d listened for a little longer than he should have, the sounds setting every hair on his body on end.  
  
Callum had felt like that before, invasive thoughts disturbing his mind at times he least expected it, but it was the first time he’d properly allowed his thoughts to go there with Ben in mind – well, the first time since they had properly been friends anyway.  
  
He had been unable to hide the shame that he felt, Ben eventually calling him out on his odd mood. And with him stood opposite Callum, half-naked and on his way to having a shower, Callum had been so flustered that he’d told him the truth – or at least, part of it.  
  
_“I heard the…..sounds coming out of your room yesterday morning. And again today. And well, it doesn’t take a genius to work out what you were doing.”_  
  
Ben had been mortified resulting in Callum feeling guilty until they’d eventually managed to clear the air, finding a way to laugh over it. And with it out in the open and Ben’s promise to be quieter in his activities, Callum was sure that he could put the arousal he had felt to the back of his mind, pass it off as a blip, and pretend it never happened.  
  
But the worry was always there: what if something like it happened again and being stuck in the same house as Ben made it impossible to run and hide? It was something he had done so many times, avoiding the issue, directing his attention elsewhere in order to ignore the thoughts in his head, but how would he do that if he was trapped in lockdown with the man?  
  
He huffs out a pitiful laugh to himself. He knows the answer to those questions now. He knows that with nowhere to run, he only had the option of staying and he knows how _that_ had turned out for them both.  
  
The night Ben had tried to cheer him up, he had walked into the living room to find it set up like a makeshift pub, Ben grinning anxiously towards him. It had been the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him – Ben had been trying to bring some normalcy to his life again. But what he hadn’t known, what Callum never would have told him, is that the reason for his sadness wasn’t really because of lockdown as he’d lead Ben to believe, but because for the first time in a long time he was faced with feeling things he didn’t want to feel; things that felt wrong.  
  
Somehow the laughter he had shared with Ben that night and the copious amounts of alcohol he had drank had offered him a reprieve from the demons in his mind and he had ended up having a good night. Only then they had played Twister. It had been a stupid game that he’d not really wanted to play in the first place, and after he’d toppled down on top of Ben, losing his balance, Ben had made a silly innuendo that had left him feeling uncomfortable.  
  
_“That not a position you’re used to, no?”_ he’d asked, salacious grin on his face.  
  
Callum had moved away, distracting himself by taking a shot – his forfeit for losing the game. But Ben hadn’t been able to leave it there.  
  
_“Why do you go red when I talk about sex? You’ve always done it, ever since I met you.”_  
  
He hadn’t wanted to answer that. The topic of sex was one that had always made him feel uncomfortable, especially when it was Ben talking about it.  
  
_“Why do you always talk about sex?”_ he had thrown back.  
  
_“Because that’s who I am. It’s who I’ve always been.”_  
  
And wasn’t that the truth. Ben was always going out and hooking up with different blokes every night and Callum couldn’t help it if he thought that sex was supposed to be about something more than that, something deeper. He had never been able to understand Ben when it came to that and over the years he’d accepted that was simply who Ben was and he had never, and would never, judge him for it.  
  
Ben had ended up telling him about his views on the topic then. Maybe that had been the start of it – them heading towards the point of no return.  
  
_“I reckon gay sex is just different. There’s a lot of pent up testosterone flying around, you know? I don’t really feel the need to make attachments. Sometimes all I need is the feeling of someone else’s body draped over me, something to get lost into. That’s enough for me……It’s kinda hot, knowing you’re both there for the same reason, knowing you ain’t going to see each other again.”_  
  
Callum had found himself intrigued by the idea, heat curling up inside him even though he wasn’t sure he understood the appeal. There was something about the way Ben was describing it though that made his pulse quicken. It had been like trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together – there were too many pieces, none that really made sense, but he couldn’t leave it alone. Once he’d started he had felt compelled to complete it. He still feels a long way off from completing it now, all these weeks later, but the picture seems to be getting clearer and the thought of the finishing result seems less scary now than it once had.  
  
_“I get what you mean about having a connection but it doesn’t always have to be about that,”_ Ben had continued on. _“Sex is primal ain’t it? Sometimes all you need is the feeling of someone else’s hands on you, the feel of their breath on your skin, and the heat of their body against yours. Sometimes you just have to be in that moment, you know? Feel that closeness even if you don’t have an attachment. It can be a power thing too, if that’s what you’re into. Knowing you’re making them feel just as good as they are for you.”_  
  
He’d felt something awakening inside him at that, arousal stirring once again, slowly turning him on. The way Ben had described it, smooth words slipping off his tongue, had enticed him in a way he should never have been enticed. And yet.  
  
He’d wanted to run then, voice screaming in his head to get out before it was too late, but he was fixed to the spot, so utterly fixated on Ben. He still remembers the way his heart had been racing.  
  
Callum had realised then why Ben was so popular with men, why they were always falling at his feet. There was something so alluring about him – god, there still is and Callum wonders if he’ll ever get used to it. But back then, that had been the first time he’d looked at Ben in _that_ way since those initial weeks of getting to know each other all those years ago. Since then he’d made sure to stamp on any attraction he had towards the man, and after that he was sure it would never come back, and it hadn’t until that night. But then he’d been sat there, sitting across from him on a Twister mat of all things, staring at him and wondering what it would be like – sleeping with a man, sleeping with Ben.  
  
Ben had told him to go and sort himself out, noticing the hardness that had voluntarily made an appearance in his pants and after some persuasion he had escaped to his room. With a hand around his cock, he’d tried to think of Whitney, and when that hadn’t worked, he tried to think of just about anything else, but his mind had kept coming back to Ben’s words and thoughts of men rubbing up against each other, hot skin on skin, causing him to cum quicker and harder than he ever had in his life.  
  
He had felt terrible after that; awkward and embarrassed that Ben had witnessed him in that predicament and angry at himself for allowing it to happen in the first place.  
  
Following that night, he had been determined to get a grip on the situation, control his urges, and remind himself of just how wrong it was for him to feel that way. But his mind had gone to war with itself and he’d found himself wondering why it was okay for Ben and so many others to feel an attraction towards men but why it wasn’t okay for him to feel the same.  
  
He had always been so accepting of Ben, and he’d fight anyone who so much as said a bad word against him, but when it came to himself, Callum had always viewed himself as different.  
  
Growing up, he had decided that he was going to have a happy family when he was older. A lovely house, a dog perhaps, a family, love and laughter all around. It’s something he’s always craved as a result of not having had it himself as a child. How would that life be possible if he allowed himself to submit to temptation?  
  
He’d fought it, but he hadn’t fought it hard enough.  
  
His mind wonders to the night he had first kissed Ben then. They had been dancing, their night full of laughter, but when Ben had tried to show him how to do his "signature dance move" as he’d called it, gyrating his hips from behind him, it had sent shots of heat through Callum, and he’d tried to ignore the urge to press back against him. Everything had felt so heightened all of a sudden and the moment he had turned and looked into Ben’s eyes all he’d wanted to do was kiss him, like a force that was too strong for him to overpower.  
  
When he’d realised what he was thinking, he’d tried to get away, break the tension between them, feeling stupid and so very scared. Ben had stepped forward though, closing the distance between them again and the moment he felt a hand on his cheek, Callum had surrendered, no fight left.  
  
Once he’d started kissing Ben he couldn’t stop. It was like he’d been starved of oxygen all his life and was taking all he could get whilst he had the chance. And Ben, kind and caring Ben, he had kept him safe through it. He had been so gentle and patient even though Callum knew how obvious it was that he didn’t have a clue what he was doing. It had been more than he ever could have imagined.  
  
Afterwards though, it had hit him so quickly; the guilt, the disgust. He had mostly been in shock though, unable to say anything and he’d walked out on Ben without another word.  
  
With hindsight, walking out on Ben like that hadn’t been the right thing to do. He should have faced it there and then but at the time all he could do was run, as always, knowing that if only he’d done so twenty minutes before that, all of it could have been avoided.  
  
That had been the point of no return for them but he had still tried to ignore it, pretend like it hadn’t happened.  
  
_“It shouldn’t have happened. As far as I’m concerned, nothing did. It was just a silly mistake after too much booze. Let’s just forget it yeah?”_  
  
He had tried to play it off as if it meant nothing to him but in reality he was crippling under the weight of guilt and sin. He thought that if he could just avoid Ben then it would all go away. But that was never something he could have done for the rest of lockdown; two people living in the same house avoiding each other for weeks on end. He had felt so confused, he still does really, but he’d been an utter mess back then.  
  
Callum stands now, moving across to the window and looking out at the street below his flat. It is quiet, not another person in sight, the world at a standstill whilst his spins out of control. He leans forwards, pressing his forehead against the coolness of the glass and allows himself to close his eyes once more.  
  
Would he have been able to stop himself after that first time if he had tried hard enough? Once he’d experienced what it was like to be with Ben in such a physical and intimate way? Is it possible that the second time might have been avoidable? The third?  
  
See, the first time had been so overwhelming with a desperate need to kiss and touch that he hadn’t been able to think of anything but Ben’s hands on him and his lips against his skin. He had been powerless to stop it. But the second time he was more aware or what he was doing, driven less by an urgent and aching need and more by an itching desire that he was desperate to satisfy. He had told Ben that it had to be the last time. He’d told himself that too – one more time to get whatever it was that was drawing him to Ben out of his system once and for all.  
  
Ben had questioned if he was okay afterwards and he had pretended that he hadn’t been effected by it, but it couldn’t have been further from the truth. Rather than wanting to run and hide that time though, he had wanted to have Ben again. And maybe again after that. What had happened between them had felt good. It had felt right. He knew he shouldn’t have liked it but he had. It was like sex was finally making sense to him. Up until then he had been feeling like he’d been going through the motions whenever he and Whitney had slept together, but suddenly he understood it in a way he never had before.  
  
Callum had started to recognise that there had been something between he and Ben after that, something more than just friendship. He hadn’t wanted it to be real, had told himself it could never be real, that the lust and affection he felt towards the other man was simply a result of lockdown. And Ben had continued coaxing, reminding him he was there whenever Callum was ready to talk, but Callum hadn’t been ready. Voicing the thoughts in his head would only bring them into existence.  
  
Is he really ready now though? He doesn’t even know what he would say to Ben to begin explaining. He doesn’t understand it himself. But what he does know is that he can’t deny what is happening between them anymore. He had tried that and had hurt Ben as a result. And this thing between the two of them, he’s sure it’s real now. It certainly feels real. It feels scary too.  
  
Perhaps he could have turned back had it not been for the third time because that’s the time when it had really counted. He can still picture he and Ben lying next to each other on the bed, both of them naked from the waist down, laughing hysterically just because they were both so happy. He’d wanted so much that night but he’d still been terrified and unsure of himself. Ben had taken him apart bit by bit, doing things with his tongue that had made Callum’s toes curl and his insides flood with white hot heat. He’d wanted to do that for Ben, make him feel just as good, watch him fall apart, but he hadn’t been ready. It didn’t matter though. Ben had been patient, telling him to do whatever he felt comfortable with, and Callum felt safe with him, just as he always did.  
  
There was no running away after that, not from Ben anyway. He knew he couldn’t deny what was happening between them anymore. So then why was it so difficult to put into words? Why, when Ben had asked, “What is this to you?” had Callum been unable to provide him with an answer? He knows what he feels for Ben is beyond friendship now, knows it feels more right than anything he’s ever felt before, but how is he meant to explain that?  
  
Now, Ben feels like he’s an experiment and he’s not. Callum has made him feel like that but how could he have explained that Ben means so much more to him than that?  
  
Moving away from the window, he walks towards the kitchen area where his gaze comes to rest on the photo board he has. It is propped upright on his kitchen unit, the wall behind it stopping it from falling over, a more permanent place for it still yet to be decided. He looks at a photograph of Jay, Ben and himself taken by Lola at Christmas. They’re sitting in The Vic, Callum in the middle with his arms round Jay and Ben’s shoulders, pulling them into the frame. He takes the photograph from the board and holds it in his hands, looking down at Ben and tracing his finger over the gloss.  
  
Callum thinks back to yesterday then, his reason for ending up here in this flat today. He had never wanted he and Ben to be casual and he hated the term ‘friends with benefits’. But Ben had been right – that is basically what he had been suggesting wasn’t it? Ben had sat outside in the wind and rain after that just to get away from him. Even when Callum had brought him inside, Ben had wanted to be nowhere near him. He had tried to apologise by making him some soup, hoping the gesture would put into words what he could not. But still, Ben had stayed away, and Callum had known better than to push.  
  
What if Ben never forgives him? What if he’s lost his friendship with the man all because he couldn’t hold himself back all those weeks ago?  
  
He looks at a photograph of himself and Whitney now, also taken at Christmas, bright smiles on both of their faces. The amount of guilt he feels for the last few weeks is enormous. He cares about her so much and doesn’t want to hurt her, but he’s going to isn’t he? Whatever happens, whatever decisions he makes, she’s going to get hurt. He never imagined he would do something like this to her. Maybe he hadn’t imagined a forever with her but he had been happy and perhaps, if circumstances were different, it really could have worked.  
  
But the way he feels when he’s around Ben borders on something magical. He feels so ridiculously happy around him despite all the confusion and in a way that he’s never felt around Whitney before. He had wanted the house and the dog and the family and the love and laughter and thought he’d never be able to have that with a man but what if he can? If he allows himself to think about what it could be like instead of running away from it on instinct, is that something he can imagine with Ben? He doesn’t know. It’s a terrifying idea but he feels warmed by it nonetheless. Ben doesn’t do commitment though. Maybe it’s not something he would want. But then, the way he had responded to the idea of them remaining casual, something Callum had been so sure he would be fine with, suggests that maybe he does want more.  
  
Or maybe Callum is just making it all up in his head. He doesn’t know up from down right now and just when his mind seems to make sense of one thing, it’s undone within the next breath. But the way he feels around Ben feels right and maybe he needs to stop fighting it for a change. Maybe he needs to stop running away and if it all backfires then he’s only got himself to blame and he would deserve whatever came his way for being so stupid, but what if?  
  
Ben is his best friend and Callum doesn’t want to lose him, but if they carry on the way they have been then that’s going to happen anyway one way or another.  
  
What is it he wants? If he ignores all the voices in his head and listens to his heart, what is it that he truly wants?  
  
He looks across at Whitney in the photograph. He knows what he should want but that’s not the question he’s asking himself.  
  
What does he really want?  
  
The answer then seems obvious and he looks back down at the photograph in his hand. Ben’s eyes sparkle up at him, a soft smile on his face. It’s only been a few hours since he left the house and Callum misses that man already. The times they have shared over the past few weeks haven’t always been good and he’s felt crushed with uncertainty ever since the night they first kissed, and yet, despite the distance, he still feels the weight of it now even though he’s no longer in the house. Nothing has changed just because he has left. The only difference is that he’s been able to catch his breath long enough to try and unjumble his thoughts. He misses Ben and no amount of running away can change that.  
  
He looks across at the photograph still pinned to the board, at Whitney, and he sighs. It’s sad, so very sad, but he knows where his heart is leading him and he doesn’t want to deny it anymore. Now that he’s allowed himself to think of the possibilities for him and Ben, it’s like somewhere inside of him has been unlocked and new voices are emerging. Those that are telling him that he is wrong and that he should continue running are still as loud as ever, but the new ones are telling him to go back to Ben, to be with Ben, to tell him what he wants even if it doesn’t make sense because they’ll find a way to make sense of it together.  
  
He knows it’s not going to be easy, he knows he’s going to have to have a conversation he’s spent weeks avoiding, perhaps even a whole lifetime, but he doesn’t want to stay away any longer. It is calling to him now, somewhere in the distance, and he knows he has to follow it. He doesn’t know exactly what ‘It’ is but he wants to find out.  
  
Putting the photograph down, he picks up his coffee cup and pours the cold contents down the sink. And then he’s picking up his keys and heading for the door, heading towards a conversation he should have had years ago, heading back to a life that he’s still trying to figure out. But above all, he’s heading towards Ben and perhaps a light at the end of the tunnel.


End file.
